[The Farm] The Yearning of Danzig

[Kokuten]

It had almost been a bit fun to watch Jane be flustered, after seeing her so sure and able in so many situations. Eryl treasured those few moments where something caught the gunslinger off guard. She loved the thoughtful frustration and loved that Jane never gave up on it even more. Some would of thought her simple because of her accent or her tactics, but Jane was much smarter than others gave her credit. That fit of infatuation rose again, biting on to some sense of ownership, of having something few others did. It tasted good to her heart, and for the moment she chose to feel it instead of suppress it. She loved Jane, she felt safe around her, and now she felt it appropriate to reach out and offer that same safety.

Then the gunslinger looked at her, with eyes that spoke, Yes, I know they're your people.

But, Eryl's eyes heard, Yes, people like you.

And, as quickly as her emotional pendulation could swing, Eryl no longer felt safe. Those steely eyes, as reassuring as they had meant to be, reminded her of the fearful looks the children gave her on Oahu. She was no stranger to it, but the last person she had expected it from was her.

She doesn't mean it like that.

The triclops tried to convince herself, but she was already feeling sick.

She understands me. I'm different.

Eryl wanted to reach out to her, touch her, hold her, reassure her, but now that felt... unwise.

I'm lying to myself, aren't I?

No. No, Jane just needed something to convince her that they were not all bad. Some of those people were misunderstood, pressured and even scared. Triclops had such a poor reputation abroad that the welcome arms of the Library was sometimes an only option to practice magic. Eryl had been one of those people, convinced the world hated her for no good reason except that she was different and powerful. Few had her opportunity at redemption, and fewer survived it. She wanted Jane to hear this, but instead she uttered her words with a small tremble in her voice.

"Folks like me?"

Having spoken out of fear, Eryl felt terribly unwell knowing that she was not going to enjoy the next few minutes, or maybe even the rest of her life. So, she stood, staring wide at the pond, holding her stomach.

"I think... I think I need to go."

[Mr. Blackbird Lore]

Jane turned, a puzzled look on her face. When she saw her friend's face, she understood. Eryl, with all her power and three clear-seeing eyes still didn't see things the way the gunslinger did. She laid a hand on the smaller woman's shoulder, gentle and reassuring. "Eryl."

When the triclops flinched and didn't look at her, Jane grabbed her by the chin firmly and made her look. "Eryl." She studied those three eyes, as if searching carefully for something. After a few intense moments, she let go, but her gaze was unwavering. Her voice was soft again. "Remember what I said when we first met?" She paused only briefly to let Eryl recall their initial encounter. "If ye cross me n live, ye'll run the remainder o' yer days til I put nough lead in ye to sink a battleship. An now I consider ye a good friend. I ain't no stranger t mercy, but a whole host o librarians sprang up like bats outta hell and attacked my students. Children, Eryl. Children what ain't even known the Librarians existed, let alone bothered em. It's a miracle I ain't had t ship one home in a pine box.

"That's evil, plain n simple. Ye called me the Lawbringer once. The Gun of Justice. Were they jus fancy words?"

[Kokuten]

"Of course they were fancy words," muttered Eryl spitefully, of herself, or of the situation, she did not know, "I had the faintest idea of who you were; you were just some American with a gun that had caught me in your stable. I came to you ready to die, and then immediately forgot my mission to see a horse as my last wish before I answered my calling."

She looked up at Jane, holding herself as if the summer sun had lost its heat without the gunslinger's touch. "Then I knew you. You were much more than arquebusier, Lawbringer, or the Gun of Justice. You were kind, you were the mediator, and, at my lowest, I called you friend. Then, I knew you by many more names: teacher, gardener, horse whisperer, singer, dancer, drinking cohort, sounding board. They meant so much more to me the more I knew you. Do not misunderstand; I never forgot what you could do, I saw what happened on Oahu, what happened when you fought Loathing. But. I don't know who you were before; I didn't fall in love with that Jane."

Speaking the thoughts aloud helped calm her down, even if she didn't pay too much mind to the content of the words. The wind blew across them, and she was thankful she had bound her hair up. Following the leaves riding the gust, she found her eyes on the mountain again. Her words became soft, "I don't have any love for the Library of Cardiff, but the triclopsi have always been seen as Librarians. I know there is one on the roster at the school; I am sure she came there with aspirations to become part of the Library. They are widespread. We, my people, are in many countries, but because of them we are few and hidden. For fear of being mistaken for them."

It became much colder in that moment.

"I'm different, aren't I? The children don't think so, but you do, don't you?"

[Mr. Blackbird Lore]

"I didn't know who you were before..."

"I was a--" the word 'child' got choked off. She stared down at Eryl, stunned. The triclops might as well have clobbered Jane's skull with a hammer. Her mind was in neutral, revving and going nowhere. Then she said that word again: "I don't have any love for..."

Jane's mind shifted back into gear and raced to catch up. Her friend could plainly see her eyes darting all across Eryl's face, as if the right answer might be written there. There was a tension in the gunslinger's stance, and in her face. And... a fear? By the time the thought struck Maelgwyn, the expression was gone, quick as it had come.

For a second time that day, Eryl helped Jane up after knocking her down, offering a new conversation that the gunslinger was properly equipped to handle. "O course ye ain't like them. This ain't a triclops thing. This is a Librarians-who-attack-children thing." Jane took a deep breath, hands on her hips, and realized she had no more to say. But there was a danger lurking in every pause, coiled in every silence. Worse: this wasn't a beast she could slay with violence.

Anail na Nuada disturbed the brief quiet with a complaint. Jane silently thanked the arrogant beast as she turned to check on the horses. But her tension was obvious in the way she fixated on her tasks and in her tedious attention to meaningless, minor details on the saddles and reins. When she could make excuses no longer, she turned to Eryl. The smile, at least, was genuine as she nodded toward No Name then helped her friend into the saddle.

[Kokuten]

"Ope, ope..." Eryl chirped as she climbed into No Name's saddle, with less needed, and more desired, assistance. She wondered how long she could convincingly have trouble with the climbing onto a horse before Jane became aware the hamming of the actions to garner attention. That respite ended as she spun back around, fully mounted and staring down at her friend. She could sense the stiffness in her movements.

There was an awkwardness to their motions now, and suddenly it spawned a kernel of anxiety in Eryl's chest.

"Jane, please do not worry. I don't want you walking on egg-shells around me. I am just very... sensitive... right now when it comes to these matters," the Abjurer made an effort to be harmless and leaned down to the gunslinger with fresh closeness, "I like your honest and earnest self, even if it is a bit surprising sometimes. I know how you feel about me. So, you don't need to worry."

Despite the experience having been a bit wearying, Eryl smiled warmly, feeling that they had gotten past this little hump. "Thank you for being kind, even when I acted like a fool."

[Mr. Blackbird Lore]

Jane seemed to be avoiding Eryl's gaze as she situated the girl and double-checked No Name's gear. Like Eryl, though, she was quite sensitive at the moment. Like an armadillo missing a plate, the slightest prod of her freshly exposed softness elicited a startling response.

"I know how you feel about me." Poke. Blue eyes leaped to Eryl's. The emotions displayed were too many and too finely mixed to pluck out and identify, but there was a real sense of concern or alarm.

"So you don't need to worry." Poke. Jane was silent as she mounted the fair-haired Nuada.

"Fast er slow?" she gestured lightly with her reins to indicate the horses. Nuada wickered, likely in protest at not being offered the choice.

[Kokuten]

Eryl tried to smile as more signs of an emergent issue became apparent. Many theories rose to the fore of her mind as to why Jane had adopted such a reserved posture, but the one thing that Eryl did know was that it made her nervous. She hadn't been this concerned in affecting her relationship with her friend since the first time she came to the ranch, and it was discomforting thing to feel again. If she hadn't made such an outburst before, she would have written it off as one of Jane's dark, sullen moods.

"Jane," Eryl decided not to answer the question, not yet, "h-have I upset you? That wasn't my intention, if I have. I was just saying how I felt. Just... I did not mean to make it... strange."

The abjurer brought a hand over her heart as if it was going to leap out unattended. "You were being honest and genuine with me, and I misinterpreted you terribly."

[Mr. Blackbird Lore]

Nuada lunged, desperate to run once more, but Jane kept her down to a brisk walk. Blue eyes shot over a black-clad shoulder to make sure Eryl had followed. "She's still fiery, this un." Then there came a long and tense silence as the gunslinger fought her inner battles.

"No," she answered. "I..." She sighed, twice irritated that she could not find the words, and that finding words could be such a struggle. There were many things she wanted to say, and just as many things she was afraid to say. There were futures and possibilities that hinged entirely on the words she might say. Greater in her mind was the fear of the dark futures among the whole; and though she was no stranger to combating foes greater than herself, this one left her frozen.

The farm was in sight by the time she spoke again. "I have some affairs what need sortin." Gods, was this what it felt like to be an idiot? Jane could barely make sense of her own words, she couldn't imagine the struggle Eryl was having trying to decode these awful messages.

Feeling that her words were only exacerbating the problem, Jane pressed on in silence. At the barn, she helped Eryl from her horse, then withdrew the saddles and tack before sending the pair into the fenced field. When she finally looked at Eryl again, there was sadness and a pity in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Eryl." She tried to smile but it was likewise laden with sorrow. "I'll see ye next week. Maybe ye'll even get t ride Nuada." Her voice was calm, but there was the faintest waver. Some unheard emotion writhed just beneath the surface, upsetting the words as it went. If Jane noticed she worked hard not to show it.

[Kokuten]

The silence had been painful to endure in the moments they could have spoken.

This sort of quiet was different from the times when Eryl would read her book and Jane would just stare off into some far off thought. It was a loud silence, the sort of silence where the ambient world screamed itself into your ears and made your heart thump. While Jane wrestled with her own inner turmoil in this deafening quiet, Eryl was frantically trying to convince herself everything was okay. She realized it had been easy to throw a fit and be upset when she knew Jane would forgive her or bring her back down to Earth. The woman had been her rock in some terrible times, and now she saw the gunslinger needed the same.

But Jane did not look for it from her.

A sore numbness grew in her chest as Jane helped her down from No-name, there was a hollow look in the woman's face. Jane tried to avoid Eryl's eyes, but it wasn't difficult, because the abjurer was very busy staring at her boots. From her boots she had summoned a lot of courage in the past, and now she welled up what she could.

"You sound hungry."

She tugged out a sizable jar from her bag, filled with dried meats. It looked like jerky, but there was a slate hue to them.

"I made these for you, because I know you tend to spare yourself until dinner, if that," Eryl explained, her words breaking through the wall of her anxiety. She was being as strong as she could be for Jane. "It's basilisk jerky, an old hexer recipe that makes the meat edible and good instead of stony and gravely. It has some other properties that make it handy for field work and what not..."

The jar was pressed into Jane's hands, and Eryl nearly turned to walk away before she doubled back. Her hand shook, pointing upward with a thought, moving with a stirring and baseless confidence as she postulated, "I could... I could cook for you... while you handle your affairs. That way you've something to eat before you go to bed. I'm... I'm quite handy with recipes."

[Mr. Blackbird Lore]

Jane smiled as she turned the jar over, inspecting her gift. “I’m sure it’ll go great witha vodka ye gae me.” She was almost her normal self whenever the conversation shifted toward the mundane. There was a stifled edge, though, like a knife concealed in cloth— ready to cut free at a moments notice.

Regarding Eryl’s offer she said, “I’ll have somethin t look forward to, then. An thank ye kindly fer the lovely gifts. I’m fixin t devour em fore the month is through.” She shook the jar with one hand to emphasize her point.